True Blood Spoilers

The geniuses over at HBO decided to give synopsis for the rest of the episodes of True Blood on its website. Of course the previews give away... everything. If you have read the books the captions basically tell you exactly what will happen and how it will be different than the books. 

Needless to say they have been taken down, but those pathetic pop culture low lifes over at Oh No They Didn't (basically Bitch Please from SNL) managed to capture the synopsis before they were removed. So either stop reading now or continue to find out that Gofrey looks to be Eric's maker and Sophie Anne must help rid Bon Temps of the Maenad/ Circe thing.

207: Release Me (8/02/09)
Betrayed by Daphne, Sam finds himself in an unenviable predicament at the hands of Maryann and her zombie minions. Imprisoned with Hugo at the Light of Day camp, Sookie uses her telepathic powers to reach out to Bill, who's being detained at the hotel by a stubbornly obsessive Lorena. After crossing a church line, a fearful Jason tries to sever his ties with the Fellowship of the Sun, but gets plenty of resistance from Steve and his lackey, Gabe.

208: Timebomb (8/09/09)
Sookie's captivity takes an unexpected turn when Eric arrives to do his master's bidding. In Bon Temps, Sam finds himself in hot water after making a gruesome discovery at Merlotte's. Sent home by Bill, Jessica and Hoyt learn that when it comes to sex, every time is the first time. Tara and Eggs get physical after partaking in a "Hunter soufflé" prepared by Maryann. After Jason pays off his debt to the vampires, Godric looks to enlighten his more single-minded followers.

209: I Will Rise Up (8/16/09)
A wounded Eric plays Sookie for a sucker, to Bill's dismay. Later, Sookie and Jason reflect on their recent adventure, and end up bonding. Blaming Eggs for Tara's bruises and bizarre behavior, Lafayette and Lettie Mae try to figure out a way to pry their kin from Maryann's clutches. Hoyt defends his relationship with Jessica. In Dallas, Eric and the vampires defend their recent actions to Nan Flanagan, and are shocked when Godric decides to take the fall for their PR disaster.

210: New World in My View (8/23/09)
Sookie, Bill and Jason return to a Bon Temps turned upside down by Maryann. Bill discovers that traditional vampire techniques don't work on Maryann; Hoyt and Jessica try to keep a lid on Maxine's madness; Sookie tries to push through the darkness consuming Tara. With all hell breaking loose, Jason takes the bull by the horns to rescue Sam, at least for the moment.

211: Frenzy (8/30/09)
With the crisis in Bon Temps careening out of control, Bill seeks out the advice of Sophie-Anne, the Vampire Queen of Louisiana, but must exercise patience before she gives him critical information. Meanwhile, Sookie and Lafayette find that protecting Tara from herself is more difficult than they anticipated; a desperate Sam turns to an unlikely source for assistance; and Hoyt's allegiance to Maxine is put to the test by Jessica.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_True_Blood_episodes

Individual links for the episodes are there, but HBO just edited them and the summaries are gone from there!

The Return of Buns of Steel!!!

One of the highest viewed posts on this blog was a post I did a year ago on Mena Suvari's ass. People can't seem to get enough of it... for good reason. Mena Suvari is an actress or something. All that matters is that her ass is incredible. So here is another shot. Lets see if we can get a record number of page impressions for the Secret Art of Snark!!! Someone explain to Hayden Pantierre or whatever that this is how you look like a hot midget.

Hey Everyone!!! Dance your Ass Off is....Phat!!!

Dance your Ass Off is Oxygens sassy fun attempt on cornering the Fat people getting in shape TV audience
and let me tell you they do exactly that. With lines like make your moves and but as tight as your weave, this show is nothing but genius. The greatest part of this show is that everyone takes it serious and seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that it involves fat people dancing in ridiculous outfits . I know, awesome. The audience gives standing ovations while the judges give constructive criticism about extending arms and pointing toes. No one even once thought about how humiliating ie awesome this show is when pitching it. Please watch this show and enjoy it. I know I am. Oh yeah and that host ... WTF!

The End of an Era....

Michael Jackson had died. People everywhere are collecting their thoughts and feelings to reflect and react to this momentous event. I haven't blogged since April. Major things have occurred since then. I got married, the Pittsburgh Penguins became the Stanley Cup Champions with 20 year olds taking the cup to South Side Bars, the G20 was scheduled to come to Pittsburgh this fall, Perez Hilton was knocked out, Iran is in the middle of another revolution, Real Housewife's of New Jersey came and left, and True Blood returned. None of these things made me want to comment on popular culture. Only this was powerful enough to drive me to take time away from my life and work and blog. 

The reason I think this is so important is not because one of the most famous celebrities unexpectedly passed. It is not because it is a major news story or because the MJ crazies will be out in full force. It is because this passing means so much to pop culture and is going to force people to reflect on what the last 40 years of culture has meant.

Michael Jackson's life and work has been inextricably connected to popular culture for the last 40 years actively and passively shaping, changing, and influencing every American, and most humans, life in some meaningful way. What I am trying to say is that most humans below the age 60 (and this is up for debate) can look at their life and connect Michael Jackson to milestones and events that they will never forget. Like the Fall of the Berlin wall, Monica Lewinsky, both Iraq wars, or Hurricane Katrina, major societal events are etched into our mind and often haunt us. A smell, a song, or a picture can remind us of a time in our life, and not one person can say that Michael Jackson doesn't do this for them. You are not an American if you haven't once danced in front of a mirror by your self... in your bedroom to a MJ song. Everyone can think of something major happening in their life and draw a parallel to Michael Jackson. Culture and history have run parallel and are fused to the life and work of MJ for the last 40 years. Everyone of those societal benchmarks I listed can be lined up with an MJ related event.

No one person has had a greater effect whether directly or indirectly on how culture exists today than Michael Jackson. If you look at the way popular culture has changed by leaps and bounds over the last 40 years MJ is arguably the driving force behind it. Internet memes, gossip rags, blogs, TV shows, reality TV, music, art, movies, and meta-everything have bleed together and become a post modern machine all beginning with MJ. There are figures throughout time that have such a gravely important influence on the shaping of an era. Alexander the Great, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Karl Marx, Queen Elizabeth I, Che!!! Michael Jackson has had the same influence in the history of pop culture. 

You may not be following me here, but one person by burning his hair, being accused of child molestation, making incredible music and videos, marrying Elvis's daughter, selling Neverland Ranch, buying bones of a dead person, dating Brooke Shields, having too much plastic surgery, moonwalking, and dangling a baby named blanket over a balcony single handedly created modern popular culture and has been part of every major cultural development over the last 40 years. In his death, reflect on where we are. Blogging, You Tube, Facebook, following Chris Brown trials, Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Phil Spector, Family Guy etc. I could go on forever. All of that is more or less the product of 40 years of cultural development driven by and attributable to the life and work of MJ. 

This is not just a death. This is a chance to reflect on popular culture and an explore where we are today and how we got here. It is unfathomable how important this man was on who we are as Americans. I will never forget Eastern Europeans and "foreigners" coming to our country or speaking about American life without hearing " I love Michael Jackson! I love America!." Thriller is still being bought by thousands of people around the world. It is not just the music. It is what it represents to people. It is American popular culture. It represents everything that people who live in America experience everyday and what people who live in suppressed countries miss out on. This may sound inappropriate, but revolutions like the one that may be brewing in Iran are driven by the desire to have a culture and a life best represented by Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson stands for freedom, creativity, person liberty, and...life. There are stories of people living communist countries secretly listening to Michael Jackson in fear of being caught, singing along and dancing wishing they lived in a country where they were free to do both openly. 

The glove, the shoes, the crotch grab. It has created the world and society we live in. It is our culture. The 24 hour news cycles are Michael Jackson. The entertainment award shows and red carpets are Michael Jackson. Nancy Grace, Geraldo, and Bill Orielly are Michael Jackson. 40 years of American popular culture was Michael Jackson whether his name was mentioned or not. This is not the death of a human being, but the death of a piece of American life. We can all reflect on this and try to understand why it is so meaningful to us, but we will never fully grasp how important MJ was to us and our society. Lets all hope that Michael Jackson is in a better place Moonwalking, crotch grabbing, and "A HE HE" ing all day and night long. Lets all raise a cup of Jesus Juice and toast to Michael Jackson, American life, and modern popular culture! 

P.S. It took everything in me to not make a joke about Michael Jackson being taken to a children's hospital or having little boys running around in heaven. But hey, if anything it just shows the profound effect he has had on every aspect of popular culture from jokes to criminal justice.

Honey Lets Take the Kids to the Zoo....And Swim With Hungry Polar Bears!

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Rest In Peace Pittsburgh Policemen...

Don't get me wrong Cops are Pigs. I have never been in a position where one has helped me. Most of my run ins with the police have been getting a ticket or them being pricks, but the fact of the matter is that being a cop is a difficult job that is important to society and these people are often tortured leading stressful life's to help people who hate them (like me).

The horrible tragedy of three Pittsburgh Police men being gunned down by a right wing coward in Stanton Hieghts is one of the saddest and most heartbreaking stories that has ever been told in Pittsburgh. Since this blog is a Pittsburgh blog (I know...keep it to yourself) I wouldn't be doing my fake job without mentioning them. I am sure they are all in a better place with police dogs, especially Ulf,  non-stop car chases, shooting ranges, Starbucks, and donuts. I don't ask much, but I do ask anyone who reads this to take a second to stop and think about these three men and their families in this difficult time.

The city county building will be closed tomorrow at noon to allow for the mourning of these officers.

Must Be Dreamworks...Ha Ha!!!

I love shit like this. You know some of the Disney animators are so over it. Everyone at their job tries to cut corners. If you have something to write or have work to do, most people just try to find someone who already did it and copy it. Everyone does it and anyone who says they don't is lying. The game in life is to not get caught. Hell Bloggers are able to make a living doing it. I do it everyday. Where do you think I came up with this post? Musicians do it, lawyers do it, and Disney does, but they got caught.

Watch Disney Templates on CollegeHumor

Ropeless Jump Rope!!! Brilliant!

Stupidest thing I have ever seen? Maybe not, but it has to be in the top ten. From the Snuggy school of ridiculousness I give you the Jumpsnap. The worlds first and only ropeless jump rope. Basically this thing is a piece of plastic with a "on board computer" to make a clicking sound so that you can hop in place. I could use my dod training clicker and accomplish the same thing. This is the ingenuity that that Glen Beck is always crying about right?

The Internet: The Gift That Just Keeps on Giving...

Now that we can analyze the Internet and throw around words like viral and meme, you would think that it would "spoil" that "its ours" thing. You know that feeling when a band you like and have followed suddenly hits it big and random people are asking you about it and their songs are played on clear channel stations. Well that will never happen to the Internet and its trillions of awesome things. No matter how much people package Internet culture and bottle it up, it will never be capable of selling out. Why you ask? For the simple reason that things like this are always out there and they are constantly being found.

WTF...WTF...

WHO KNEW BILLY CORGAN WAS INTO THAI LADY BOYS...

Oh Omegele How You Fester in the Absurd...

It you haven't heard of Omegle yet, you will. It is a new site where you can talk to strangers without a user name, password, or any sign in to the site. Yes, it is kind of like the early American online chat rooms, but you only talk to one person the "stranger". For the most part you just get really bizarre conversations. Alot of them are completely juvenile crass obscenities led by the infiltration of btards from the 4chan random board, but if you stick through it you can have some really funny or interesting chats with people from around the world. The concept sounds boring, and believe me it does become boring after getting your fifth disconnection after someone tells you they are masturbating or that you are a nigger fag, but stick to it and you will eventually find someone looking for what you are.

At any one time there are about 4,000 people on. I would like someone to figure out the likely hood of getting the same person over an hour period. So go ahead and test your patience for 15 year old obnoxious btards or Finnish people who like Black Gothic Metal. Let me leave you with this. The best conversation I had with a total stranger was on Omegle and it started like this:

You: Hi
Stranger: Would you do a Bong Hit of My Farts?
You: No
Stranger: Not even if I told you that just ate Chinese food?
You: Take out or delivery?
....

What is the 2000's?

I have been knee deep in the BWE's 90's movie madness bracket over the last week pathetically arguing over whether Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter is Dead is more 90's than Office Space. The whole exercise got me thinking about cultural identification of a decade through its pop medium. Most people have not even become aware of the identifiers that make the 90's the 90's and we are almost through the 2000's. Pretty soon we will begin saying that is so 2000. I can already see the wading pools of cultural fads swirling around in their pre-Cambrian stew to create cohesive markers of 2000-2010. 

Part of the problem with trying to identify a decade is that culture doesn't progress in ten period cycles. What we identify as the 90's is really 85-95 and 95-2000. Many would argue that Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter is dead is 80's and Office Space is really 00's. The bad fashion  and aesthetic of the 80's hung around into the 90's with slap bracelets and neon windbreakers. This leads me to asking two questions. 1) What is one piece of pop culture that neatly sum ups the 1990's? Please let me know what you think. Once you answer that question next ask yourself this: It is 2009, what is something that defines the 2000's? 

Usually Tv's shows work pretty well. Beverly Hill 90210 is an easy answer for question #1 and The O.C. is a pretty good answer for question #2, but push yourself further and give me your best in the comments!

New Gimmick Blog!!!

I love these new gimmick blogs that have been popping up like This is Why You Are Fat.com , Passive Aggressive Notes.com, and Post Cards From Your Momma. I have a feeling that Richard Blakeley may be behind this new one just like This is Why You are Fat. The newest is Why the Fuck Do You Have a Kid. It is basically what I think everyday when I drive past a bus stop, walk past a McDonald's, or watch a VH1 reality tv show. The website is on the right track, but they have omitted some major WTFDYHK's (Britney Paxil Spears is DQ since she is back to walking around lip syncing for money). Here are my top three:

3) Little Adolf Hitler! Yes the crazy Nazi lovers who named their proud first born Adolf Hitler. Are you full of indignation? Wait... Wait... Adolf has siblings...Wait for it...Adolf has two sisters, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie. The latter, just eight months old, was named for Nazi leader Heinrich Himmler. The little racists father doesn't understand why people are shocked when they hear his sons name, to which I say WTFDYHK.


2) The one, the only, Nadia Sulaiman, better known as OCTOMOM, or OCTOCRAZY or just STUPID CRAZY LADY. You may argue that Nadia should be number one seeing that she decided to have 8 children at once when she already had six under the age of ten and had no husband, job, or home, but I feel like this women should never be number 1. Its just not right. Even being named craziest crazy who ever crazied in the world would add to the delusions that comfortably rule her bat shit mind. Just imagining the smell of baby poop, baby vomit, and baby food is enough to say WTFDYHK.

1) The FREE RANGE KIDS parents. For those of you new to this mess, Free Range Parenting is, not a joke, a style of raising kids where you basically let them do whatever they want. No its not just bad parenting. This is intentional rather than just negligent or reckless. It is a bunch of elitist liberal city dwellers who overly intellectualize everything and think that letting their kid ride the subway alone at 9 makes them more prepared to be independent successful adults. My disdain is not really about the concept for I could care less about the kids. Its more about the fact that some stupid liberal lady came up with a parenting technique called Free Range Kids. When I hear things like this it makes me wonder about Fox News and Ann Coulter....just wonder, that's all. I hate people.

Hey Yall...

Merry Christmas March. See she is isn't crazy

SHAMWOW-BOW-KABAM

Check out this creepy picture of the SHAMWOW Vince after he got arrested for beating up a hooker in Miami who bit his tongue. Yeah this post writes itself. Martini, bikini, FELONY! Ever since are you following me camera guy, I got the vibe this dude smokes meth off a light bulb.

Hit Me Baby One More Time?

No? Im sorry, It was really just too easy. Britney Spears brings her World Tour sponsored by Zoloft to the Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh tomorrow night, and apparently the crazy has already started without her. You see her production crew got here a little early and decided to hit the town last night....literally. Yes two people that allow Britney Spears to walk around the stage and lip synch got into a fight with a yinzer on the south side, then transfered their collective drunk to a couple Pittsburgh Police officers, and lastly got their ass tazered and thrown in the Allegheny County Jail.

According to police, 34-year-old Rockey Dickey, Jr., and 23-year-old Alex Montes, both of California, were arrested just before 1 a.m. today on the South Side. Police say both men are roadies working for the Britney Spears concert tour, which is in town for a show on Friday, March 27th at Mellon Arena. Authorities report that officers on patrol on Carson Street spotted two men involved in a fight, but when they tried to break it up, one of the men, identified as Dickey, reportedly tried to hit an officer. That's when police say Montes assaulted another one of the officers. Police say a Taser was used to subdue Dickey, while Montes was tracked down and arrested at the intersection of 17th Street and Wright's Way after leaving the initial scene of the fight.Dickey was taken to Southside Hospital to be checked out and both were taken to Allegheny County Jail.

How great would this story have been if you replaced roadies with pop star Britney Spears. You know the Britney of late 2007 early 2008 could have gifted us with such a headline. The dead behind the glossy eyes nonperson is soo boring. I miss the old Britney back alley cat weaves and bad complexion.

Backpeddling: This Video

BTW- Didn't Viacom sue You Tube and google for having videos like this up? Your answer should be: Yes that is why I can now not view it.

Pittsburgh v. McDonalds...

The ongoing dispute between the Allegheny County Attorney General Stephen Zappala and McDonalds has been resolved. Zappala has been targeting three downtown Pittsburgh McDonalds for drug activity. Undercover police officer have been conducting drug transactions at the Smithfield street Micky D's and even arrested a manager for selling prescription drugs. Zappala wanted McDonalds to do more to stop the activity or he would go forward with declaring them nuisance properties. It would have been the first McDonalds declared a nuisance in the country.

Well McDonalds has decided to pay for surveillance and added security to prevent the AG from taking action. I understand that I wasted an opportunity for some major fun with puns on this post, but I just couldn't bring myself to go there. I walk past these McDonalds almost everyday while working downtown and let me tell you, we don't need the city to declare them a nuisance. I think everyone knows all about downtown McDonalds. If you are going inside, you are either buying drugs, or giving a blow job in the bathroom (after you purchase a small fries of course). Everyone in those dumps are hot messes. There are usually a half dozen crackheads, a few tranny hookers, a dealer, and a Schizo homeless lady. Downtown Micky D's are the dirtiest place in every city. Let them be. Excuse their beauty!!!! Is nothing sacred anymore?

We like are Down town Dirty Brown D's the way they are Mr. Zappala! I think I would be more shocked if I didn't see illegal activity inside than if I did. You can lead a whore to a clinic, but you can't make her go in....or something like that.

Now Do We Have a Problem ...Haha...

NEW SOUTH PARK ALERT!!!! No it did not disappoint. South Park came back like a bat out of hell, kicking Disney and the Jonas Brothers in their balls. This episode was a classic. Kenny gets a new girlfriend that has a reputation of being a slut. Tammy Werner gave a BJ to a fifth grader in the parking lot of Fridays (I couldn't think of a more perfect line). When the children of South Park find out about Tammy's residence in Ho Town, they warn Kenny about it and the fact that a women's mouth has the most bacteria out of any place on the planet. After Tammy tells Kenny about her lady parts tingling when she sees the Jonas Brothers, Kenny decides to take her to a Jo Bros concert to get some. At the concert, South Park does not shy away from every opportunity to mix prepubescent girls, sex, and Disney in an uber offensive obscene stew. I will not ruin anything further, but keep in mind the rest of the episode involves Mickey mouse kicking the shit out of Joe Jonas. Yeah, awesome. Make sure you catch this episode.

Its about Moral Character!!!

UPDATE : YOU HAVE TO GO TO LUANN'S BLOG!!!! FUNNIEST SHIT EVER!! I don't see anything about making fun of another person's eyes because they said your husband looks 60 in front of your children.

The Real House Wifes of New York threw their collectives hats into the worst people ever hat tonight. This episode muddled in the "manners" theme began last week. Countess Luan became the heavy favorite for horrible person. She picked up where she left off last week telling everyone about how to act and proper etiquette. My favorite non-intetional irony of the episode was the argument/ discussion/ awful people behavior that took place at the American Cancer Society. As the cunts were preparing the food they started talking about nonsense. As they dwelled on meaningless garbage such as dating Ramona told Luan her husband looked old. This made the countess act like the most dignified sophisticated women ever to classy class. Needless to say all of them behaved worse than a tech school drop out from McKeesrocks. It was just great how they were all wrapped up in "proper etiquette" nonsense while a bald women dying of cancer was running circles around them preparing for the benefit. As these horrible people bickered about things meaningless in the larger picture of life, a women with months to live was trying to make a cancer benefit successful. Its is just too easy. These women wouldn't know proper if it shit in their face.

If there is anything to learn from these wastes of life, it is that the people who think they are right the most and act like they know what is proper are usually the people that know the least. Luann is on the level of a 10 spot VH1 show when it comes to class. Her fake indignation over her husbands age is laughable for a women who is writing a book on how to act. The reaction was on the level of Tamra's "its about moral character." Its pretty bad when in a episode Ramona ends up being the most likable. Her crazy eyes have more class than all of those other Paxil bitches put together. Anyhotflash, these women are stupid and I can't believe I waste a spot on my DVR for this shit show mess. If it was on Wednesday's it wouldn't have a chance. Hey, give me a break, Lost was a repeat this week.