The Secret Art of Snark

pop culture, pittsburgh, and potpouri

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

True Blood Spoilers

The geniuses over at HBO decided to give synopsis for the rest of the episodes of True Blood on its website. Of course the previews give away... everything. If you have read the books the captions basically tell you exactly what will happen and how it will be different than the books. 

Needless to say they have been taken down, but those pathetic pop culture low lifes over at Oh No They Didn't (basically Bitch Please from SNL) managed to capture the synopsis before they were removed. So either stop reading now or continue to find out that Gofrey looks to be Eric's maker and Sophie Anne must help rid Bon Temps of the Maenad/ Circe thing.

207: Release Me (8/02/09)
Betrayed by Daphne, Sam finds himself in an unenviable predicament at the hands of Maryann and her zombie minions. Imprisoned with Hugo at the Light of Day camp, Sookie uses her telepathic powers to reach out to Bill, who's being detained at the hotel by a stubbornly obsessive Lorena. After crossing a church line, a fearful Jason tries to sever his ties with the Fellowship of the Sun, but gets plenty of resistance from Steve and his lackey, Gabe.

208: Timebomb (8/09/09)
Sookie's captivity takes an unexpected turn when Eric arrives to do his master's bidding. In Bon Temps, Sam finds himself in hot water after making a gruesome discovery at Merlotte's. Sent home by Bill, Jessica and Hoyt learn that when it comes to sex, every time is the first time. Tara and Eggs get physical after partaking in a "Hunter soufflé" prepared by Maryann. After Jason pays off his debt to the vampires, Godric looks to enlighten his more single-minded followers.

209: I Will Rise Up (8/16/09)
A wounded Eric plays Sookie for a sucker, to Bill's dismay. Later, Sookie and Jason reflect on their recent adventure, and end up bonding. Blaming Eggs for Tara's bruises and bizarre behavior, Lafayette and Lettie Mae try to figure out a way to pry their kin from Maryann's clutches. Hoyt defends his relationship with Jessica. In Dallas, Eric and the vampires defend their recent actions to Nan Flanagan, and are shocked when Godric decides to take the fall for their PR disaster.

210: New World in My View (8/23/09)
Sookie, Bill and Jason return to a Bon Temps turned upside down by Maryann. Bill discovers that traditional vampire techniques don't work on Maryann; Hoyt and Jessica try to keep a lid on Maxine's madness; Sookie tries to push through the darkness consuming Tara. With all hell breaking loose, Jason takes the bull by the horns to rescue Sam, at least for the moment.

211: Frenzy (8/30/09)
With the crisis in Bon Temps careening out of control, Bill seeks out the advice of Sophie-Anne, the Vampire Queen of Louisiana, but must exercise patience before she gives him critical information. Meanwhile, Sookie and Lafayette find that protecting Tara from herself is more difficult than they anticipated; a desperate Sam turns to an unlikely source for assistance; and Hoyt's allegiance to Maxine is put to the test by Jessica.


Individual links for the episodes are there, but HBO just edited them and the summaries are gone from there!

The Return of Buns of Steel!!!

One of the highest viewed posts on this blog was a post I did a year ago on Mena Suvari's ass. People can't seem to get enough of it... for good reason. Mena Suvari is an actress or something. All that matters is that her ass is incredible. So here is another shot. Lets see if we can get a record number of page impressions for the Secret Art of Snark!!! Someone explain to Hayden Pantierre or whatever that this is how you look like a hot midget.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Hey Everyone!!! Dance your Ass Off is....Phat!!!

Dance your Ass Off is Oxygens sassy fun attempt on cornering the Fat people getting in shape TV audience
and let me tell you they do exactly that. With lines like make your moves and but as tight as your weave, this show is nothing but genius. The greatest part of this show is that everyone takes it serious and seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that it involves fat people dancing in ridiculous outfits . I know, awesome. The audience gives standing ovations while the judges give constructive criticism about extending arms and pointing toes. No one even once thought about how humiliating ie awesome this show is when pitching it. Please watch this show and enjoy it. I know I am. Oh yeah and that host ... WTF!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The End of an Era....

Michael Jackson had died. People everywhere are collecting their thoughts and feelings to reflect and react to this momentous event. I haven't blogged since April. Major things have occurred since then. I got married, the Pittsburgh Penguins became the Stanley Cup Champions with 20 year olds taking the cup to South Side Bars, the G20 was scheduled to come to Pittsburgh this fall, Perez Hilton was knocked out, Iran is in the middle of another revolution, Real Housewife's of New Jersey came and left, and True Blood returned. None of these things made me want to comment on popular culture. Only this was powerful enough to drive me to take time away from my life and work and blog. 

The reason I think this is so important is not because one of the most famous celebrities unexpectedly passed. It is not because it is a major news story or because the MJ crazies will be out in full force. It is because this passing means so much to pop culture and is going to force people to reflect on what the last 40 years of culture has meant.

Michael Jackson's life and work has been inextricably connected to popular culture for the last 40 years actively and passively shaping, changing, and influencing every American, and most humans, life in some meaningful way. What I am trying to say is that most humans below the age 60 (and this is up for debate) can look at their life and connect Michael Jackson to milestones and events that they will never forget. Like the Fall of the Berlin wall, Monica Lewinsky, both Iraq wars, or Hurricane Katrina, major societal events are etched into our mind and often haunt us. A smell, a song, or a picture can remind us of a time in our life, and not one person can say that Michael Jackson doesn't do this for them. You are not an American if you haven't once danced in front of a mirror by your self... in your bedroom to a MJ song. Everyone can think of something major happening in their life and draw a parallel to Michael Jackson. Culture and history have run parallel and are fused to the life and work of MJ for the last 40 years. Everyone of those societal benchmarks I listed can be lined up with an MJ related event.

No one person has had a greater effect whether directly or indirectly on how culture exists today than Michael Jackson. If you look at the way popular culture has changed by leaps and bounds over the last 40 years MJ is arguably the driving force behind it. Internet memes, gossip rags, blogs, TV shows, reality TV, music, art, movies, and meta-everything have bleed together and become a post modern machine all beginning with MJ. There are figures throughout time that have such a gravely important influence on the shaping of an era. Alexander the Great, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Karl Marx, Queen Elizabeth I, Che!!! Michael Jackson has had the same influence in the history of pop culture. 

You may not be following me here, but one person by burning his hair, being accused of child molestation, making incredible music and videos, marrying Elvis's daughter, selling Neverland Ranch, buying bones of a dead person, dating Brooke Shields, having too much plastic surgery, moonwalking, and dangling a baby named blanket over a balcony single handedly created modern popular culture and has been part of every major cultural development over the last 40 years. In his death, reflect on where we are. Blogging, You Tube, Facebook, following Chris Brown trials, Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Phil Spector, Family Guy etc. I could go on forever. All of that is more or less the product of 40 years of cultural development driven by and attributable to the life and work of MJ. 

This is not just a death. This is a chance to reflect on popular culture and an explore where we are today and how we got here. It is unfathomable how important this man was on who we are as Americans. I will never forget Eastern Europeans and "foreigners" coming to our country or speaking about American life without hearing " I love Michael Jackson! I love America!." Thriller is still being bought by thousands of people around the world. It is not just the music. It is what it represents to people. It is American popular culture. It represents everything that people who live in America experience everyday and what people who live in suppressed countries miss out on. This may sound inappropriate, but revolutions like the one that may be brewing in Iran are driven by the desire to have a culture and a life best represented by Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson stands for freedom, creativity, person liberty, There are stories of people living communist countries secretly listening to Michael Jackson in fear of being caught, singing along and dancing wishing they lived in a country where they were free to do both openly. 

The glove, the shoes, the crotch grab. It has created the world and society we live in. It is our culture. The 24 hour news cycles are Michael Jackson. The entertainment award shows and red carpets are Michael Jackson. Nancy Grace, Geraldo, and Bill Orielly are Michael Jackson. 40 years of American popular culture was Michael Jackson whether his name was mentioned or not. This is not the death of a human being, but the death of a piece of American life. We can all reflect on this and try to understand why it is so meaningful to us, but we will never fully grasp how important MJ was to us and our society. Lets all hope that Michael Jackson is in a better place Moonwalking, crotch grabbing, and "A HE HE" ing all day and night long. Lets all raise a cup of Jesus Juice and toast to Michael Jackson, American life, and modern popular culture! 

P.S. It took everything in me to not make a joke about Michael Jackson being taken to a children's hospital or having little boys running around in heaven. But hey, if anything it just shows the profound effect he has had on every aspect of popular culture from jokes to criminal justice.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Rest In Peace Pittsburgh Policemen...

Don't get me wrong Cops are Pigs. I have never been in a position where one has helped me. Most of my run ins with the police have been getting a ticket or them being pricks, but the fact of the matter is that being a cop is a difficult job that is important to society and these people are often tortured leading stressful life's to help people who hate them (like me).

The horrible tragedy of three Pittsburgh Police men being gunned down by a right wing coward in Stanton Hieghts is one of the saddest and most heartbreaking stories that has ever been told in Pittsburgh. Since this blog is a Pittsburgh blog (I know...keep it to yourself) I wouldn't be doing my fake job without mentioning them. I am sure they are all in a better place with police dogs, especially Ulf,  non-stop car chases, shooting ranges, Starbucks, and donuts. I don't ask much, but I do ask anyone who reads this to take a second to stop and think about these three men and their families in this difficult time.

The city county building will be closed tomorrow at noon to allow for the mourning of these officers.

Must Be Dreamworks...Ha Ha!!!

I love shit like this. You know some of the Disney animators are so over it. Everyone at their job tries to cut corners. If you have something to write or have work to do, most people just try to find someone who already did it and copy it. Everyone does it and anyone who says they don't is lying. The game in life is to not get caught. Hell Bloggers are able to make a living doing it. I do it everyday. Where do you think I came up with this post? Musicians do it, lawyers do it, and Disney does, but they got caught.